The holiday list you keep in your head

This time of year, you probably have two lists going.

There’s the usual holiday stuff. Book the flights or figure out who’s driving whom. Buy the gifts. Decide what everyone’s eating and who’s hosting. It’s a lot, but at least you know what needs to get done.

Then there’s what’s on your mind as the family gets together. How are Mom and Dad really doing? Dad’s been slower to return calls. Mom mentioned “a little fall,” then changed the subject.

If you live far away, you’re wondering what you’ll notice when you walk in. If they’re nearby, you probably already know, and you’re bracing for everyone else to notice too.

That second list is harder because you know your family. You can already picture how your siblings might react. In the back of your mind, you may be wondering, “If I bring this up, will everyone expect me to handle it?”

You want to enjoy having everyone together, and this may be the easiest chance all year to talk about how Mom and Dad are doing.

If that’s on your mind, say, “I’d like us to ask Mom and Dad what would help. Then let’s talk about what each of us can do.”

This post:

If there’s something you’ve been meaning to bring up, or everyone seems to be avoiding it, put it on the calendar.

Send your siblings a quick message:

“While we’re all together, could we talk about how Mom and Dad are doing? Would Friday morning work?”

Or ask your parents:

“When I’m there, could we sit down and talk about how things are going? I’d like to hear what you’ve been thinking.”

If family conversations tend to turn into arguments, it may be easier to start one-on-one.

Once you’ve agreed on a time, that’s one less thing on your mind. You can have fun together without wondering, “Is now a good time? Should I say something, or will someone else?” If it does come up, you can say, ‘Let’s save that for Friday morning.’

Before everyone sits down, figure out what you can take on. When someone you love needs help, “Of course I’ll help” comes out fast. Three months later, you realize you’ve signed up for more than you can keep up.

With work, kids, your health, and everything else on your plate, think about three things:

Your siblings’ answers will look different from yours. One may live nearby with no flexibility at work. Another may live far away and be able to send money or handle the paperwork.

Being fair is more important than being equal. Everyone’s time, money, and commitments count, even when everyone does something different. Living closest, working from home, or not having kids shouldn’t make you the default for everything.

If your family never talks about who can do what, one person usually ends up picking up whatever everyone else didn’t, and the resentment builds from there.

UNDER THE HOOD

Taking care of a parent can affect your work schedule and the money you’d otherwise save for your future.

So before you say yes, know your limits and how saying yes affects you.

Try saying:

“Here’s what I can do. Here’s what I can’t. How do we figure out the rest?”

The simplest way to lighten your mental load is to hand off something completely.

A sibling who lives far away could handle insurance questions or look into local care options. Someone nearby could take over rides to appointments.

Handing it off means that person remembers it, sets it up, and follows through. If your brother offers to gather your parents’ key contacts and documents, let him make the calls. If you’re still chasing phone numbers and reminding him, it’s still on your list.

If you’re an only child, or the only one who shows up, hand one task to outside help. The free Eldercare Locator can connect you with local services that assess care needs.

Take five minutes:

You’ll still have two lists this year. The second one just got a little lighter.