I’m writing the check. Talk to me.

I can't tell you how many times someone has talked right past me in a conversation about money. It's happened at work and with my own money, and it gets me so worked up.

Years ago, a guy I knew from business school came in to pitch his company’s tech services to the company I worked for. I was making the decision, but he spent the entire meeting talking to my CFO.

My CFO noticed it too. At one point, he told the guy, “Dude, I only write a check if she tells me to.” Needless to say, he didn’t earn any business from us.

It still happens. I go to real estate events where syndicators are raising money for their next deal, and plenty barely make an effort to talk to me. I have to laugh. They're looking for investors and walking right past one.

Then there are the people who do pitch me, whether it's an investment deal or a contractor bidding on a project. I'm the one having the conversation, but somehow we get to: “When can your husband join?”

As if the real meeting starts once he shows up.

My answer now: “I'm writing the check. He won't be on the call. If that's an issue, we're not a fit.”

This post:

You ask the question. The advisor answers your husband. The follow-up email goes to him too. Or you walk in alone, and before the advisor asks a single thing about you, they are explaining what a stock is.

Merrill Lynch actually studied who gets the attention. Researchers sat in on meetings between couples and their financial advisors, using eye-tracking software. Both male and female advisors spent more than 60% of their time looking at the man.

They also recorded an average of ten biased comments or actions per 30-minute meeting. Most advisors weren’t aware they were doing it, and most clients didn’t catch it. Two of the most common: assuming the man makes the decisions, and assuming the woman wants to play it safe.

So if you’ve ever left a meeting feeling dismissed, you’re not alone. 

After enough of these conversations over the years, I now walk into a meeting with an advisor, CPA, or attorney thinking, “I’m interviewing you.”

I want to understand what they’re recommending and why. I’m also paying attention to how they treat me and how I feel in the conversation. They have to earn a seat at my table.

If they dismiss me during the interview, I’m taking my business elsewhere.

So should you.

Your money team might include a financial advisor, CPA, attorney, or insurance agent. Whether you need one or several, and whether it’s your first meeting or you’ve worked together for years, come back to three things.

1. Know what a good outcome looks like for you

Think about: What do you need help with? What do you want your money to do? What’s coming: retirement, helping a parent, tuition, a move?

Write down: Your answers, plus a number if you have one, like what you need to live on each month. It gives you something to measure their advice against.

2. Notice how you’re treated 

Watch for: Do they listen and consider what you say, or dodge your questions? If you’re with your spouse, notice who the advisor makes eye contact with, their tone, and whether they give you room to speak.

Ask yourself: Does my input change their advice? When you raise a concern, do they adjust, or do you have to keep raising it?

Say:
“I don’t feel like my question has been answered. Can we come back to it before moving on?”

Ask:
“How would you help me if my circumstances changed, through a death in the family, divorce, or inheritance?”

You want to know they can work directly with you through those changes. If you’re planning as a couple, that relationship needs to exist now, rather than starting when you suddenly have to handle everything yourself.

3. Understand their performance and costs 

Ask an advisor:
“What will I pay each year, in dollars, including investment expenses?”
“How are you paid, and are you a fiduciary at all times?”
“Why this recommendation over the alternatives? What are the downsides?”
“What would success look like for my goals, and how will we measure it?”

If you already work together:
“How are we doing, and what needs to change?”

Watch for: Do you get clear answers, or just feel more pressure to stop asking?

Then check in with yourself.

Can you explain what they’re recommending, why, and what it costs? Did you ask everything you wanted to, or catch yourself nodding just to get through it?

There’s whether they’re good at what they do. There’s how they treat you. Then there’s how you feel working with them. You need all of it for a good fit.

Maybe they get results, but you don’t feel treated as a partner. Or you like them, but aren’t sure they’re doing a good job. Having only part of that becomes a problem, especially when this is someone you’re going to rely on for years.

An advisor can end up being part coach, part sounding board. You need to be able to say “I’m scared,” “I don’t understand,” or “I don’t agree.”

If it’s not a good fit, look elsewhere. If I won’t hire a contractor who dismisses me over one project, why would I accept that from someone planning my financial future?

You’re hiring someone for their expertise. You should be able to use that expertise without having to fight to be heard.

Before your next meeting, pick two questions from above and bring them with you. It doesn’t matter if it’s someone new or someone you’ve worked with for years.

Then pay attention. How do they answer? Do you walk out understanding more than when you walked in? How do you feel on the drive home?

Want to check an advisor’s background, too? Look them up on FINRA BrokerCheck or the SEC’s Investment Adviser Public Disclosure site.